you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
