i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
