Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
