I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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