my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Randomize
