her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize