The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
