my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Never joke about your clitoris.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
