When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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