Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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