you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
