Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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