dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
we made out on top of his cat.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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