I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
that is very illegal...i love you.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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