I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
