I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I look better un-naked...
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
