Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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