apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
