God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
im six kinds of drunk right now
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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