i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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