True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I could fuck to npr.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
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