True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
