Your face is a jimmy john
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
