I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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