You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
