We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
