Tell her she can't have a vagina
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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