i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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