I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
