Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
