I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
