My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
