I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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