I could make wine with my vomit
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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