Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
