im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
