how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
