Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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