This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
