Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
