So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
