Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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