I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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