Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
