you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
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