she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
