I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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