Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
