if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
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