Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
