Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
