Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I accidentally had phone sex last night
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
