just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Randomize
