roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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