My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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