Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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