you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
